Depression asks: “To be or not be?”

When I first created this journal-whatever, I never really expected it would be read. Maybe I’m putting everyone in my shoes. I don’t click the thousands of blue lettered words that link to various blogs and journals of people, regardless of me knowing them or not. This may probably sound insensitive and generally indifferent, but I don’t really consider their posts as part of my business. In effect, I didn’t think they would make it their business.

Whatever their motives were for clicking on the link on my YM, be it out of general concern or boredom (I sincerely hope the former), I was touched that they, my friends, bothered to read my post at all. More than that, it’s the fact that they actually tried to cheer me up. Tell me that it’s all right. Or that they’re there. For me.

In the past, I’ve always considered myself as a friendless persons. I have a lot of acquaintances, but nothing more. Maybe I used to have friends, when I was young and innocent and considered every kid I meet as my BFF. I’ve went through a lot of users, traitors and friends who were only there for the namesake of “friend”. I thought that I was a replacable person in this world. That nobody would care if I didn’t exist at all. That I’ve touched nobody’s life enough for them to miss me. I thought I was better dead. Or worse, I was already dead. I still think so. But..

Right now, I’m having doubts. Indeed, I may have been friendless before, but am I still like that? Are the people I met, who now call themselves my friends at the moment, real? It’s unfair for me to think such stuff. I honestly know that if I were in their place, I would be hurt upon realizing my friend doesn’t think I care for her. I’m sorry. I really am. It’s just that, I don’t know.

I’m depressed and I know I gave reasons but really that was a pitiful attempt to try and see sense in this sadness. Maybe if I list down what depresses me,  I could do something about it. But really, I don’t know if I’m simply making excuses or what. Because school may stress me but that could be remedied by working harder. As for the inferiority complex, I can’t expect myself to stand out in such a big world. It’s life. My family, yes, they’re annoying and they have their flaws, but I have them as well. My lovelife can wait. My future I can set up. My meaning I can strive for. So really, what am I depressed about?

I really honestly wish to die right now. But I am hoping for a beacon of light to tell me I shouldn’t, not because it’s bad, but because they don’t want me to. I want attention. I want friends. I want care and concern and love. I am so sorry but will you please tell me that I have?