Depression asks: “To be or not be?” July 5, 2009
When I first created this journal-whatever, I never really expected it would be read. Maybe I’m putting everyone in my shoes. I don’t click the thousands of blue lettered words that link to various blogs and journals of people, regardless of me knowing them or not. This may probably sound insensitive and generally indifferent, but I don’t really consider their posts as part of my business. In effect, I didn’t think they would make it their business.
Whatever their motives were for clicking on the link on my YM, be it out of general concern or boredom (I sincerely hope the former), I was touched that they, my friends, bothered to read my post at all. More than that, it’s the fact that they actually tried to cheer me up. Tell me that it’s all right. Or that they’re there. For me.
In the past, I’ve always considered myself as a friendless persons. I have a lot of acquaintances, but nothing more. Maybe I used to have friends, when I was young and innocent and considered every kid I meet as my BFF. I’ve went through a lot of users, traitors and friends who were only there for the namesake of “friend”. I thought that I was a replacable person in this world. That nobody would care if I didn’t exist at all. That I’ve touched nobody’s life enough for them to miss me. I thought I was better dead. Or worse, I was already dead. I still think so. But..
Right now, I’m having doubts. Indeed, I may have been friendless before, but am I still like that? Are the people I met, who now call themselves my friends at the moment, real? It’s unfair for me to think such stuff. I honestly know that if I were in their place, I would be hurt upon realizing my friend doesn’t think I care for her. I’m sorry. I really am. It’s just that, I don’t know.
I’m depressed and I know I gave reasons but really that was a pitiful attempt to try and see sense in this sadness. Maybe if I list down what depresses me, I could do something about it. But really, I don’t know if I’m simply making excuses or what. Because school may stress me but that could be remedied by working harder. As for the inferiority complex, I can’t expect myself to stand out in such a big world. It’s life. My family, yes, they’re annoying and they have their flaws, but I have them as well. My lovelife can wait. My future I can set up. My meaning I can strive for. So really, what am I depressed about?
I really honestly wish to die right now. But I am hoping for a beacon of light to tell me I shouldn’t, not because it’s bad, but because they don’t want me to. I want attention. I want friends. I want care and concern and love. I am so sorry but will you please tell me that I have?
Reasons to be Depressed (Or rather, why I’M depressed) Part 1 July 4, 2009
1. School Related Stress.
Where to start? Grades, exam, professors and a very serious inferiority complex. Try studying at the most prestigious school in your country, among the brightest minds of your time and see if you won’t get depressed. God, I used to believe I was good, even great. Here and there I got compliments I knew I deserved (yes, I am proud, arrogant and narcissistic). Now, I don’t even think I am a paramecium compared to the greatness and mothereffin size of these people’s brains. Can you honestly blame for breaking apart after falling down the pedestal I stood on all my life? I feel so stupid, like I would never get anywhere.
2. Family.
The definition of my family (I don’t know about yours) is simply “people who annoy me to the core, telling me what to do and how to do it, as if they’re the brightest, most important and pristine people in the worl and I’m a stupid good-for-nothing.” As if I didn’t feel stupid or useless already.
3. Future.
I have no future. I am not going to die. Actually, if I was going to, that meant I would actually have a future. At least, death would be certain. But no. I have no future. My career is undecided, heck I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t even have any personal plans. I wish it was as simple as when I was a kid and anything I want or say (“When I grow up, I…). I was happy then. Oh, why did I grow up?
4. Loveless Love Life.
You know the worst kind of lovelife aside from being the heartbroken, unrequited, cheated, cheatee, unfated and tragic? Fake. People I love aren’t even real. I live in my dreams, life jsut doesn’t do me justice. I fall in and out of love in this world too many times I no longer recall which are flings, crushes or love (if I actually had one). And now, I am seriously frustrated and afraid I would grow up and die alone. Damn it, it’s bad enough I live in a house surrounded by old maids, do I need to be one? I want someone, anyone, really. Just a chance. I want to feel what it’s like to have someone call me just to hear my voice, hold my hand while I’m walking, take me on dates, or if these are too cliches or demanding, just someone to be with.
5. Meaningless.
I don’t exactly have a purpose in life. I have no goal, no redempting factor whatsoever. I don’t know why I’m alive and worse, I have no idea why there is a need for me to be alive anyway. Nobody would miss me. If they did, it will pass. Just like every meaningless thing/people in this world.
Depressed. I need help.
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